Remix reminded me that, for whatever reason, I'd never actually read this fic, which surprised me, given the pairing.
This comment ended up being more crit-heavy than I'd initially foreseen, but I'm posting it anyway (as opposed to my hesitancy to leave crit on some of the remixes I've read thus far).
River "clutch[ing] the yoke to her breasts" seems weird phrasing to me. Upon reread I was like, "Okay, she's the pilot and the 'yoke' is the controls somehow? Except that would be the reins. And don't you normally clutch things to your breast, singular? Though okay, 'as a child to her mother's' requires the plural, but what the heck is River clutching like a child anyway?"
I don't know how to characterize the voice of the piece in the next few paragraphs exactly, but it feels like stiltedly fancy. The first paragraph I was thinking, "Okay, 'an inevitable increase in the credulity...' could be the voice of Alixtii's Dawn" -- I know she's not explicitly narrating, but the "Dawn reasoned" places us in her head or close to. And rereading, I guess that remains true for the rest of the piece -- that we stay close to Dawn, except for the italicized bits which are explicitly an exterior narrator; it just falls into easier narrative so the academic speak sort of falls away. (I love Dawn and think she's brilliant, and my versions of future Dawn are usually much with the book learning, but my Dawn is not your Dawn.)
> "Late twentieth- to early twenty-first-century, based on the beach fashions." > "It's 2003," answered Buffy--and added, indignantly, "this is a right-off-the-line Vera Lyn original; it'll be out of fashion by next summer."
It feels a little regressive (like better suited to high school era Cordelia) to have Buffy all indignant that these strangers don't recognize just exactly how awesome and expensive her dress is -- and just plain weird to have her state "it'll be out of fashion by next summer."
I really like River recognizing Dawn's Keyness (I'd forgotten that of course, River's crazy and so she would see it).
> The Slayer contingent just sort of stared at each other, and it was once again Andrew who rushed in to fill the silence. "I'm Andrew, and I'm sort of a hostage too, only it's my job to chronicle the exploits of our band of Slayers of the Vampyres, and--" > "Shut up," Buffy ordered.
Ayup. That is totally how it would go. Very true-feeling.
I wouldn't posit the storybook monsters made real as worse nightmares than the Alliance, et al, but maybe that's just me. [I do love the phrase "Miranda and her tempest."]
Is River's blue sundress her Serenity dress? I feel like that dress (like all the stuff she wore in the series) doesn't really show off her curves -- but then, I regularly fail at visual, so maybe that's just me.
I hadn't really thought about the similarities of river and dawn, so that italicized section was interesting. And "They are incomplete, unsatisfied, unfinished. A work-in-progress." definitely resonates for River and Dawn.
River coming into the bathtub feels a little bit too forward for me, but you've at least primed for that some with the italicized section about "unrestrained" and all -- though rereading it I'm more convinced ... and River is often really raw since the Alliance stripped her brain, so it's not like it's especially out of character.
I do like the "I" / "You" / "Me" exchange quite a bit (though okay, the staring into eyes reflected bit feels a bit cliche), the way they're repeating each other's words but also changing the meanings as the conversation grows and as they connect more.
The "real girl" and "real love" seem a bit hastily pasted on, but the fairytale ending -- "And if they haven't stopped since [...] then they're in there still." -- made me giggle (and of course I approved) and made that a little more okay because in fairytales those quick transitions/resolutions are just sort of how things go.
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This comment ended up being more crit-heavy than I'd initially foreseen, but I'm posting it anyway (as opposed to my hesitancy to leave crit on some of the remixes I've read thus far).
River "clutch[ing] the yoke to her breasts" seems weird phrasing to me. Upon reread I was like, "Okay, she's the pilot and the 'yoke' is the controls somehow? Except that would be the reins. And don't you normally clutch things to your breast, singular? Though okay, 'as a child to her mother's' requires the plural, but what the heck is River clutching like a child anyway?"
I don't know how to characterize the voice of the piece in the next few paragraphs exactly, but it feels like stiltedly fancy. The first paragraph I was thinking, "Okay, 'an inevitable increase in the credulity...' could be the voice of Alixtii's Dawn" -- I know she's not explicitly narrating, but the "Dawn reasoned" places us in her head or close to. And rereading, I guess that remains true for the rest of the piece -- that we stay close to Dawn, except for the italicized bits which are explicitly an exterior narrator; it just falls into easier narrative so the academic speak sort of falls away. (I love Dawn and think she's brilliant, and my versions of future Dawn are usually much with the book learning, but my Dawn is not your Dawn.)
> "Late twentieth- to early twenty-first-century, based on the beach fashions."
> "It's 2003," answered Buffy--and added, indignantly, "this is a right-off-the-line Vera Lyn original; it'll be out of fashion by next summer."
It feels a little regressive (like better suited to high school era Cordelia) to have Buffy all indignant that these strangers don't recognize just exactly how awesome and expensive her dress is -- and just plain weird to have her state "it'll be out of fashion by next summer."
I really like River recognizing Dawn's Keyness (I'd forgotten that of course, River's crazy and so she would see it).
> The Slayer contingent just sort of stared at each other, and it was once again Andrew who rushed in to fill the silence. "I'm Andrew, and I'm sort of a hostage too, only it's my job to chronicle the exploits of our band of Slayers of the Vampyres, and--"
> "Shut up," Buffy ordered.
Ayup. That is totally how it would go. Very true-feeling.
I wouldn't posit the storybook monsters made real as worse nightmares than the Alliance, et al, but maybe that's just me. [I do love the phrase "Miranda and her tempest."]
Is River's blue sundress her Serenity dress? I feel like that dress (like all the stuff she wore in the series) doesn't really show off her curves -- but then, I regularly fail at visual, so maybe that's just me.
I hadn't really thought about the similarities of river and dawn, so that italicized section was interesting. And "They are incomplete, unsatisfied, unfinished. A work-in-progress." definitely resonates for River and Dawn.
River coming into the bathtub feels a little bit too forward for me, but you've at least primed for that some with the italicized section about "unrestrained" and all -- though rereading it I'm more convinced ... and River is often really raw since the Alliance stripped her brain, so it's not like it's especially out of character.
I do like the "I" / "You" / "Me" exchange quite a bit (though okay, the staring into eyes reflected bit feels a bit cliche), the way they're repeating each other's words but also changing the meanings as the conversation grows and as they connect more.
The "real girl" and "real love" seem a bit hastily pasted on, but the fairytale ending -- "And if they haven't stopped since [...] then they're in there still." -- made me giggle (and of course I approved) and made that a little more okay because in fairytales those quick transitions/resolutions are just sort of how things go.