Mostly I see the rape question as a complex scatter graph involving issues of law, ethics, and the opinions and intentions and desires of both parties. I probably tend to reserve the word 'rape' for a smaller and more intensely violent corner of the graph than you or Beccaelizabeth seemed to, and would like different words for other regions of the graph because I think the distinctions matter for everyone involved, but I suspect we don't actually differ as much on the underlying issues as that conversation implied.

The autonomy issue only got raised because I lost my temper over something Becca said (for reasons that aren't even slightly related to rape) and since we both backed off the conversation pretty quickly and comments got deleted along the way, we probably muddied the water as we did so.