One Minute Divine Interventions and R3 2.3.16

[alixtii]

Inspired by m_mcgregor and his 1-minute Buffyverse fanfiction, I give you (with spoilers for the stories themselves, obviously):

Divine Interventions

ALEXA: I am evil! I worship OSIRIS and steal spells from TOLKIEN!

RACK: I'm not dead anymore!

CORDY: Here I come to save the day!

ETHAN and BETH: Being in prison sucks.

DAWN: Do you know what the RITE OF ISIS does?

ETHAN: No.

DAWN: Oh. Here, break out anyway.

ETHAN and BETH: Yay!

AMY: Hey, the author likes me too!

CORDY, ETHAN and BETH, DAWN, and AMY team up and go to BRAZIL to visit WILLOW.

ALEXA and RACK: Take this! STAFF OF TOTH, activate!

[WILLOW is broken into GOOD!WILLOW and BAD!WILLOW.]

BAD!WILLOW: Cool! Now I can go take over the world!

GOOD!WILLOW: Cool! Now I can go commune with the universe!

ETHAN: Have sex with me, DAWN.

DAWN: Okay.

[ETHAN dreams.]

DRUSILLA: *has cameo*

[ETHAN wakes up.]

ETHAN: I know what the RITE OF ISIS does!

[RITE OF ISIS happens.]

OSIRIS: Now I can kill you all!

EVERYONE BUT WILLOW: Oh, shit.

BAD!WILLOW and GOOD!WILLOW: No you can't!

OSIRIS: Oh, shit.

[AMY reunites GOOD!WILLOW and BAD!WILLOW.]

[RITE OF ISIS un-happens.]

DAWN: Wow, a lot of people died. I suck.

GILES: Here, have a promotion.

CORDY: Wait, I was supposed to save the day!

[MADDY cleans up dangling plot-threads at ludicrous speed!]

THE END



It's scary how easy it was to condense a 16-chapter, 30,000-word fic into just a couple of lines.

*

Richard the Third, Act Two, Scene Three, Line Sixteen

[EVERYTHING turns out to BE A LIE.]

VAL: What are we going to do?

PETER: Nothing.

[VAL does something anyway.]

PETER: You suck.

[VAL and PETER become HEGEMONS anyway.]

[VAL and PETER blow up the PLANET.]

VAL: Yay! Now I get to see Ender again!

ENDER: I'm all angsty now.

VAL: Wow. People suck.

[PETER has KINKY YET OFFSCREEN SEX with PETRA.]

[PETER and VAL have UST.]

[VAL and PETRA KISS.]

PETER: Wow, my girlfriend and my sister. That's hot.

VAL: You suck.

THE END