Feedback Exchange, pt. 1: "Private Party"

[alixtii]

Note to flist: I was assigned obislollipop in the Multifandom Feedback 'Thon. We don't exactly share many of the same fandoms, so I'll be giving feedback to her Star Wars fics.

Private Party
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/privateparty.html

This--or at least the first third--is quite the brilliant postmodern satire, but it wasn't until I was two-thirds finished the first part that I was sure that was what I was reading was satire and not just bad fiction. For obvious reasons, this is a more or less fatal flaw--you need to earn the reader's trust from the beginning and never give him or her a reason to waver. Even when I read such delicious lines as

"I'm sorry, but selecting a few willing women each month to play spin the lightsaber, truth or dare, and Force knows what else is NOT my idea of being a sensualist!" you shoot back, standing up now that the mood is ruined. You don't care HOW good looking Kenobi and Jinn are, or that the whispers of how good they can be intrigue you, you are not about to get excited over some damn orgy.

I still wasn't quite sure if you were writing it with a straight face. I mean, spin the lightsaber is a hilarious concept, but I'm sure there have been fics where it and even more ludicrous concepts have been applied without even a hint of irony, all in the name of getting the author's two favorite characters in bed with each other. Having read the entire fic and now knowing better, however, I do like how you play with that impulse further (and delightfully) in your description of the (ultimately fictional) monthly Jedi orgy.

It was once the 2nd-person POV character began reading the smut in the temple archives that I became convinced of the fic's postmodern merits: I love the metafictional turn it takes here, as the character reads her favorite WIP:

Ignoring the complaints of the other female padawan that you spend too much time in the temple archives, you click into the fiction section, and then the erotic fiction, and grin broadly as you see that your favorite story has been updated.

Writing and reading smut was actually encouraged at the temple as a way to use up extra passionate emotions so that one could think clearly, and you have made a pastime of it. And this particular story had you rooted to your chair from the very first word; it was emotionally full and beautiful and incredibly erotic at the same time. It was exactly what you wanted sex to be for you, even if the context might be a little different for your tastes.

The self-reflexity here is just wonderful, especially when paired with the smut that is to come.

For the most part, we're told things about the characters rather than shown them, and so they end up seeming a little two-dimensional. I would have loved to have seen more like the following piece of characterization, which is vivid in a way that's just lovely:

"You're not /going/? After the trouble I had to go through to get you the invitation?" she gasps, and it's like a saber gutting you; they hadn't even originally thought to invite you, neither Jedi probably knows you're alive, or cares. As her voice starts to rise in pitch to her distinct whine, you flick off the comm switch and return to your studies, staring at the words that have no meaning at all, you simply cannot concentrate. Sighing heavily, knowing that you shouldn't be neglecting that coursework, you flick over to the archives and drown yourself in your favorite story.

Here we have a process which is poignant and emotionally real and sensual, and the protagonist really comes alive in the passage.

The reveal as to Lilith's actions caught me by surprise and seemed to me quite innovative, as well as deepening Lilith's character and making her feel a little bit more complex. Who wrote the protagonist's favorite fic, of course, was obvious from the first moment, but that's no criticism; some stories keep getting told for a reason. And I did find the Force flower message to be thoughtful and unique.

I did feel, however, that some of the subsequent denoument as we moved into the Kenobi/Jinn/You threesome was a bit formulaic, with the characterizations being a bit forced and mechanical, and you did lose your satiric distance which made the first third so brilliant. I'm not a big fan of smut, especially m/m/f, so I can't answer to how hot or not the scene may be, since it doesn't hit my het male kinks. And my impatience may color the rest of my reactions to those scenes, but it seems that you lose a lot of the psychological realism you've created in parts 1 and 2 here. Also, I was sad to see you abandon the metafictional edge of the first third of the fic.

Some basic usage and mechanics: You should always start a new paragraph when a different character speaks. You have a part 3 and 4 but no part 1 or 2. Little things.

I'll give the rest of the feedback in a different post, on a different day. ETA: And it will be here.