Feedback Exchange
Jan. 21st, 2006 04:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alixtiiPrivate Party
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/privateparty.html
You'll find your feedback here.
Jedi Filk / Jedi Game Shows
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/jedifilk.html
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/jedigames.html
I'll review these two together, because there's not much to say except they were quite funny. I love QUEEN, which helps of course, and I like the way you worked so many sexual innuendos--and outright sexually explicit situations--into songs that previously were at most subtexty. Very weird Al.
For the game shows, I liked the use of EU material, with Exar Kun appearing on the Sith side in Family Feud. I also liked the mixing of worlds with Louie and Alex and whatnot as the hosts; it worked well in the humorous form. The break-in of meta in JEopardy! was particularly nice.
Live Forever
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/liveforever.html
The prose here was sometimes (particularly with Qui-Gon) purple in the figurative as well as the literal sense, but I liked the premise. Also, the four different voices are very distinct from each other, and I think that's the most important thing to get right, so kudos there. The parallels were nice, albeit a bit sledgehammer-y, especially in the way that each of the masters wasn't able to finish his sentence. I don't know how profound the message of the fic ultimately is, but it was quite beautifully conveyed. Good work.
Reach Out and Touch Someone
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/reachoutandtouchsomeone.html
I have to admit that I found myself sad that you didn't spend more time on the worldbuilding: the logistics, economics, politics and whatnot of telemarketing in the SW universe. I know that's not really what the story is about, but that's what caught my interest.
Of course the story is about sex, and it pulled it off in a way that worked for me. It's a story that doesn't pretend to be much more than a story about phonesex with a Jedi Master, and as such I found myself more than willing to go along for the ride. And boy was it hot. I'm afraid the ending didn't work for me, though, although I can't put my finger on exactly why not. Perhaps that the tension in the story, what makes the story really hot, was the fact that he wasn't there, and when he appears it destroyed the tension for me in a way that seemed too easy.
Putting Out Fire
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/puttingoutfire.html
There are places where I have a small problem with the diction, for example in the first line--who thinks of their line of sight as a "cool gaze"? But there are also places where it really works:
But I don't think that type of uber-sensitivity can be sustained for very long, and indeed after the protagonist opens her eyes the phrase "musical flames pulsing through every note of its melodic bloodline" seems too much like purple prose, as is the following passage:
But then they are in each other's mind again, and the diction works for me again, as they move closer. Indeed, the way you draw out their moving together really works for me, and I love these sections. It especially works because you focus on what she observes rather than what she is, showing rather than telling. Also very hot.
And then they're together, and the paragraphs are too long, and there's just too much.
Indeed, your shorter paragraphs tend to be excellent. I'd recommend utilizing a greater discrimination in word choice, trimming things down, trying to find ways to convey things in less words rather than more.
The ending is spot-on.
Overall, I like this story because it works as a unit. While I do maintain that there are a lot unnecessary words, there are no unnecessary scenes. The fic is about two people coming closer and in terms of narrative structure it is about that in a way that's rather elegant.
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/privateparty.html
You'll find your feedback here.
Jedi Filk / Jedi Game Shows
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/jedifilk.html
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/jedigames.html
I'll review these two together, because there's not much to say except they were quite funny. I love QUEEN, which helps of course, and I like the way you worked so many sexual innuendos--and outright sexually explicit situations--into songs that previously were at most subtexty. Very weird Al.
For the game shows, I liked the use of EU material, with Exar Kun appearing on the Sith side in Family Feud. I also liked the mixing of worlds with Louie and Alex and whatnot as the hosts; it worked well in the humorous form. The break-in of meta in JEopardy! was particularly nice.
Live Forever
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/liveforever.html
The prose here was sometimes (particularly with Qui-Gon) purple in the figurative as well as the literal sense, but I liked the premise. Also, the four different voices are very distinct from each other, and I think that's the most important thing to get right, so kudos there. The parallels were nice, albeit a bit sledgehammer-y, especially in the way that each of the masters wasn't able to finish his sentence. I don't know how profound the message of the fic ultimately is, but it was quite beautifully conveyed. Good work.
Reach Out and Touch Someone
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/reachoutandtouchsomeone.html
I have to admit that I found myself sad that you didn't spend more time on the worldbuilding: the logistics, economics, politics and whatnot of telemarketing in the SW universe. I know that's not really what the story is about, but that's what caught my interest.
Of course the story is about sex, and it pulled it off in a way that worked for me. It's a story that doesn't pretend to be much more than a story about phonesex with a Jedi Master, and as such I found myself more than willing to go along for the ride. And boy was it hot. I'm afraid the ending didn't work for me, though, although I can't put my finger on exactly why not. Perhaps that the tension in the story, what makes the story really hot, was the fact that he wasn't there, and when he appears it destroyed the tension for me in a way that seemed too easy.
Putting Out Fire
http://www.geocities.com/ziggyjedi/starwars/puttingoutfire.html
There are places where I have a small problem with the diction, for example in the first line--who thinks of their line of sight as a "cool gaze"? But there are also places where it really works:
Reaching out with the Force to feel the sensuality that floods the room, you let your eyes drift closed.Here the description was at just the right level, neither too much or too-little, and I felt at home within the identity of the second-person protagonist. The use of sentence fragments here made sense, as the protagonist was connected to the Force and would not have been thinking complete thoughts, and is effective.
There. In the corner. You saw it just as your eyelids cradled against your flesh...a movement unlike anyone else in the club. Fluid, catlike. The brush of dark material on tan flesh. His Force-sense slices through the dull feel of the crowd like a lightsaber blade, and it stops when it finds you. Your eyes flicker open and you direct your attention to that spot, that corner. Eyes the color of ignited jade fire return your stare.
But I don't think that type of uber-sensitivity can be sustained for very long, and indeed after the protagonist opens her eyes the phrase "musical flames pulsing through every note of its melodic bloodline" seems too much like purple prose, as is the following passage:
Those eyes...they find you, claim you, and you feel your body rise off of your chair of its own accord. Slowly, one foot, then the other, presses against the floor, though you can barely feel the soles of your feet touch the ground. Those eyes...orbs of vibrant green embers...the very soul of new spring leaves...emeralds may duplicate the color, but they could never achieve the warmth, the life, the somberness, the purpose that smolders in his eyes. They seem distant when he assesses the room, but when they return to you, they burn. Your skin tingles as they sweep over you, the hot and cold of his gaze so intense that the urge to tearActually, I love that last sentence, it's just so hot, but buried within that paragraph's florid description it loses its effectiveness.
off your clothing so he can see you nearly overtakes you.
But then they are in each other's mind again, and the diction works for me again, as they move closer. Indeed, the way you draw out their moving together really works for me, and I love these sections. It especially works because you focus on what she observes rather than what she is, showing rather than telling. Also very hot.
And then they're together, and the paragraphs are too long, and there's just too much.
Indeed, your shorter paragraphs tend to be excellent. I'd recommend utilizing a greater discrimination in word choice, trimming things down, trying to find ways to convey things in less words rather than more.
The ending is spot-on.
Overall, I like this story because it works as a unit. While I do maintain that there are a lot unnecessary words, there are no unnecessary scenes. The fic is about two people coming closer and in terms of narrative structure it is about that in a way that's rather elegant.